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July 15, 2023

How to Support Your Partner Coming Out As LGBTQ+

by Jackson Weiser and Charlotte Cremers

Being in a relationship with someone who isn’t out can be an incredibly challenging experience for both partners. It often requires patience, understanding, and support as your partner navigates their journey of self-discovery and acceptance. 

One of the key challenges is the need for secrecy and discretion. Keeping your relationship hidden from others can place a significant emotional burden on both of you. It may leave you feeling exhausted, and it can also lead to feelings of frustration, isolation, and even self-doubt. Furthermore, you may wonder if your partner will eventually come out, how their coming out process will unfold, and what it means for your relationship. Remember that these thoughts and emotions are normal and valid, and that finding healthy ways to cope may be important in order for you to provide the support and patience your partner will need. 

While it can be challenging, your partner’s decision to remain in the closet is deeply personal and should be respected. It’s not your role to push or pressure them into coming out before they are ready. Instead, focus on providing a safe and supportive space where they feel comfortable exploring their identity at their own pace. In this article, we will explore how you can be a pillar of strength for your partner as they navigate the coming out process.

Common Fears and Concerns Your Partner Might Have About Coming Out

The coming out process can be accompanied by a range of fears and concerns for your partner. Some common worries may include the fear of rejection, judgment, and potential damage to existing relationships. Acknowledging and validating these concerns can help create a safe space for open communication.

Emphasize the Importance of Empathy, Respect, and Patience in Supporting Your Partner

Supporting your partner through the coming out process requires a foundation of empathy, respect, and patience. Empathy allows you to understand and share in their experiences, validating their emotions and journey. Respect involves honoring their autonomy and choices, allowing them to come out at their own pace and in their own way. Patience is essential as your partner navigates the challenges and emotions associated with coming out. Recognize that this process is unique to them and may require time and support.

Creating a Safe and Trusting Environment

Here are some tips for creating a safe space where your partner can express themselves without judgment:

  1. Practice active listening: Listen attentively and without interruption. Show genuine interest in what your partner has to say, providing them with your full attention.
  2. Suspend judgment: Create a non-judgmental atmosphere where your partner feels safe sharing their thoughts and feelings. Try to avoid making assumptions or passing judgment on their experiences.
  3. Validate their emotions: Let your partner know that their emotions are valid and understandable. Recognize their experiences by acknowledging their feelings without dismissing or minimizing them.
  4. Encourage self-expression: Encourage your partner to express themselves authentically, free from fear of judgment. Celebrate their individuality and uniqueness, fostering an environment that embraces diversity.

Express your support by:

  1. Using affirming language: Validate their feelings by using statements such as “I understand why you might feel that way” or “Your experiences are valid, and I’m here for you.”
  2. Celebrating their courage: Recognize the bravery and strength it takes for them to share their true selves. Commend their courage and remind them of your unwavering support.

For other tips on communication within your relationship, click here.

Educating Yourself about LGBTQ+ Issues and Experiences

Whether you consider yourself a member of the LGBTQ+ community or not, it is important to take the initiative and learn about the challenges and triumphs those in the community face.

Familiarize yourself with appropriate terms such as gender identity, sexual orientation, and non-binary, among others. This knowledge will enable you to engage in meaningful conversations with your partner and others within the LGBTQ+ community. PFLAG is an organization that offers an abundance of valuable information and resources on LGBTQ+ topics.

Suggest Resources such as Books, Articles, or Support Groups

  1. Books: Recommend your partner LGBTQ+ literature that explores various topics and experiences. Some notable titles include “Stone Butch Blues” by Leslie Feinberg, “Redefining Realness” by Janet Mock, and “The Velvet Rage” by Alan Downs.
  2. Articles: Share articles from reputable sources that cover LGBTQ+ topics, including personal narratives, educational pieces, and current events. Online platforms like LGBTQ+-focused websites, blogs, and news outlets can provide valuable insights.
  3. Support Groups: Encourage your partner to seek support from LGBTQ+ community centers or local support groups. These spaces offer a sense of belonging and can provide both of you with opportunities to connect with others who have similar experiences. Some examples of good LGBTQ+ communities are PFLAG, as previously mentioned, which would be ideal for adults, and The Trevor Project, for teens and young adults.

Address Practical Aspects of Coming Out, Such as Informing Family, Friends, and Colleagues

Coming out involves practical considerations, such as informing family, friends, and colleagues about your partner’s LGBTQ+ identity. Discuss the importance of these conversations and the potential impact they may have on your partner’s relationships and support network. Acknowledge the significance of the steps involved in coming out.

Suggest Ways to Offer Assistance and Support During These Conversations

  1. Offer to be present: Ask your partner if they would like you to be present during their coming out conversations. Your presence can provide them with emotional support and a sense of security during potentially challenging discussions.
  2. Practice role-playing: Help your partner prepare for these conversations by role-playing different scenarios. This can boost their confidence and allow them to anticipate and navigate potential reactions or questions.

Respect Your Partner’s Pace and Decisions

Respecting your partner’s pace and decisions is paramount during the practical aspects of coming out. Each person’s journey is unique, and they may choose to come out to different people at different times. Encourage your partner to set their own boundaries and determine the right moment for these conversations. Support their decisions and avoid pressuring or rushing them.

Conclusion

Supporting your partner during their coming out journey is significant for maintaining a healthy and thriving relationship. By demonstrating empathy, respect, and patience, you can create a safe space where they feel loved, accepted, and understood.

If you find that the problems in your relationship persist or become overwhelming, consider seeking a relationship support program specifically designed for LGBTQ+ couples. The OurRelationship program offers a free, online program for same-gender and LGBTQ+ couples to explore and address the challenges in your relationships.

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