June 1, 2023

Navigating Love and Service: Building Strong LGBTQ+ Military Relationships

by Jackson Weiser

In the military, love and service go hand in hand. For LGBTQ+ individuals who serve, the journey of navigating both their identity and their relationships can be uniquely challenging. However, it is essential to recognize the significance of building strong and healthy relationships within the military context. These relationships not only provide love and support but also contribute to the overall well-being and success of individuals serving in the armed forces.

Challenges and Unique Experiences

LGBTQ+ individuals in the military often face distinct challenges compared to their heterosexual counterparts. These challenges can include:

  1. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: The history of the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy and the subsequent repeal has created an environment where LGBTQ+ individuals may still encounter discrimination or biases.
  2. Lack of Representation: Limited visibility and representation of LGBTQ+ individuals within the military community can contribute to feelings of isolation and make it more challenging to find supportive networks.
  3. Dual Identity: Balancing personal identity and military obligations can be a complex journey, as individuals may fear prejudice or judgment from colleagues or superiors.
  4. Privacy Concerns: Concerns about privacy and maintaining confidentiality can be more pronounced for gay military couples due to potential judgment or discomfort from others.

Importance of Building Strong Relationships

Despite these challenges, investing in strong and healthy relationships is crucial for LGBTQ+ individuals in the military. Building strong relationships within the military context offers the following benefits:

  1. Emotional Support: Having a supportive partner who understands the unique experiences and challenges of military life can provide emotional stability and resilience.
  2. Shared Understanding: Being in a same-sex relationship with someone in the military allows for shared experiences, understanding the demands of service, and the ability to navigate them together.
  3. Resilience and Coping: Strong relationships provide a sense of stability and a support system during challenging times, such as deployments or frequent relocations.

By recognizing the challenges and valuing the importance of building strong relationships, LGBTQ+ individuals in the military can lay the foundation for a fulfilling and thriving personal life while fulfilling their duty to serve their country.

Communication as the Foundation of Strong Relationships

Open and Honest Communication

In same-gender military relationships, open and honest communication plays a crucial role in fostering understanding, trust, and resilience. It allows partners to connect on a deeper level and navigate the unique challenges they face. Here’s why it’s essential:

  • Building Trust: Open communication creates an environment of trust and transparency, where partners can feel safe to share their thoughts, feelings, and concerns.
  • Normalize Conflict: Understand that disagreements and challenges are a natural part of any relationship. They provide opportunities for growth and understanding when addressed constructively. Effective communication helps address conflicts promptly and constructively, minimizing misunderstandings and resentment.
  • Emotional Intimacy: Openly expressing emotions and vulnerabilities fosters emotional intimacy, strengthening the bond between partners.

For more on why communication is vital in relationships, click here.

Practical Tips for Effective Communication

To enhance communication within same-sex military relationships, consider these practical tips:

  • Active Listening: Actively listen to your partner by giving them your full attention, maintaining eye contact, and providing verbal and non-verbal cues to show understanding and support.
  • Expressing Emotions: Encourage each other to express emotions openly and without judgment, creating a safe space to share joys, concerns, and fears.
  • Clarify Expectations: Communicate your needs and expectations clearly, discussing topics such as roles, responsibilities, and future plans to ensure mutual understanding. For more on this, click here.

Setting Boundaries and Managing Expectations

The military lifestyle can be demanding, making it crucial to set boundaries and manage expectations within the relationship. Consider the following:

  • Establishing Boundaries: Discuss and establish boundaries regarding personal time, career aspirations, and other aspects of life to ensure a healthy work-life balance.
  • Managing Expectations: Recognize the realities of military life and manage expectations accordingly. Understand that unexpected changes or periods of separation may occur, requiring flexibility and understanding.

Importance of a Support System

Creating a support system within the military community and seeking external resources can significantly benefit same-gender military relationships:

  • Military Community: Engage with the LGBTQ+ military community to find support, understanding, and connections with others who share similar experiences. One example is the Modern Military Association of America, the nation’s largest non-profit organization dedicated to advancing fairness and equality for the LGBTQ+ military and veteran community
  • LGBTQ+ Support Networks: Explore local and online LGBTQ+ support groups, organizations, and forums that provide guidance, resources, and a sense of community.
  • Professional Help: Consider seeking guidance from relationship counselors or therapists who specialize in working with LGBTQ+ individuals or military couples. Here at OurRelationship, we offer free programs for improving your relationship, designed specifically for military couples or same-gender couples.

Balancing Personal and Professional Lives

Balancing personal relationships with the demands of military duties can be a significant challenge for same-sex couples. It’s crucial to acknowledge and address these challenges to maintain a healthy work-life balance:

  • Time Constraints: Military obligations often come with demanding schedules and unpredictable work hours, leaving limited time for personal and relationship commitments.
  • Separation and Distance: Deployments, temporary assignments, and frequent relocations can create physical distance and separation, impacting the time spent together as a couple.
  • Emotional Strain: The stress and emotional toll of military life can affect personal relationships, requiring extra effort to ensure the well-being of both partners.

Tips for Finding a Healthy Work-Life Balance

To achieve a healthy work-life balance within the military context, consider implementing these tips:

  • Prioritization: Identify and prioritize the most important aspects of your personal life and relationship. This may involve setting boundaries and making intentional choices about how you allocate your time and energy.
  • Effective Time Management: Develop effective time management strategies, such as creating schedules, setting realistic goals, and maximizing quality time spent together.
  • Communication and Collaboration: Communicate openly with your partner about your work commitments, scheduling conflicts, and the need for support. Collaborate on finding creative solutions to ensure both personal and professional needs are met.

For more about balancing time spent together in your relationship, click here.

Self-Care and Stress Management

Taking care of oneself is vital for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling same-gender military relationship. Both partners should prioritize self-care and stress management:

  • Self-Care Practices: Engage in activities that promote physical, emotional, and mental well-being, such as exercise, hobbies, mindfulness, and self-reflection.
  • Support Each Other: Encourage and support each other in practicing self-care. Be mindful of each other’s needs and provide space for personal growth and rejuvenation.
  • Stress Management Techniques: Develop healthy coping mechanisms for managing stress, such as practicing relaxation techniques, seeking counseling support, and utilizing resources provided by the military.

For signs that stress is impacting your relationship, click here.


Your relationship is valuable, and it deserves your attention and care. It’s important to prioritize your connection with your partner and invest in its growth. Remember, seeking support when needed is a sign of strength and dedication to building a strong and thriving relationship. Don’t hesitate to reach out for professional guidance or utilize available resources.


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